Celebritards

Posts Tagged ‘David Beckham

Courtesy of Mr Paparazzi

Sooo David Beckham is pleased to announce that he’s still the hottest thing to be around babies since Kerry Katona dropped one of her cigs into a pram. Despite a very suspect name choice (Harper Seven? Sounds like a planet in a post-apocolyptic sci-fi series from the Nineties where women have three boobs and nothing interesting to say) most women would still rip off their baby toes with rusty hanger to be near, let alone procreate with him

Everyone is speculating on how long it will take Victoria to get her figure back. Me? I’m not fussed. I don’t think it will be hard when a good scran consists of three Quavers and one of Karl Lagerfield’s used tissues. And she must burn so many calories throwing all those darts at pictures of Mel B (‘Damn you, you common pillock for moving to LA and reminding everyone that behind the sunglasses and spring/summer 11 collection I was once in a cheesy pop band and thought the peace sign and a crochet dress was the height of sophistication’). She won’t be missing all the throwing up in the morning, although now she’s got her trademark circus-stilts platforms back on she will go straight back to regular bouts of altitude sickness, as well as having to duck planes and try to not let the clouds mess with her extensions.

The coming weeks will see their celeb pals popping round with their baby gifts: Snoop Dogg with ‘Baby’s First Bunt’, Eva Longoria with a teeny-tiny sombrero and Tom Cruise swinging by with a nice set of reins (with Katie swearing by them for trips to Tesco because Tom always wants to run away to the toy department).

But, joking aside, I’m genuinely happy for them finally getting the girl they must have been longing for. Victoria now has someone to pass on her vast collection of designer clothes to, and once she turns three and no longer fits in to them then they can be preserved for future generations.

In the news this week: the world waited with baited breath as Victoria Beckham entered the world of Twitter. I can safely say that if I was married to David Beckham I would have no time for social networking. Or sleeping. Or anything really. I would just stare at his beautiful face and get him to alternate between smiley-Becks and smouldery-Becks, as both faces have the same effect on the planet’s girls and gays: pure, unadulterated animal lust and longing.

So, back to her tweeting. She finishes them with ‘in love and light’, which, I’m afraid to say coming from a girl born in Essex, is the most LA-sounding-crock-of-shit I’ve heard this side of The Bachellor ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’ special. Although judging from this picture, she seems to be tweeting the main components of her diet. Go on Vikki B, when was the last time you got all tanked up on Merrydown, danced around Yates Wine Lodge drinking WKDs and ended the night with a King Rib supper, 2 pickles and a glass bottle of Irn Bru for the morning? Treat yourself…