Celebritards

Posts Tagged ‘Cheryl Tweedy

Cheryl, wherever you are: holed up in an LA mansion, underneath the Tyne Bridge, or that celebrity blackhole where Katie Price’s dignity, John Travolta’s boyfriends and Natalie Portman’s baby weight have all disappeared to, please read this cautionary tale.

I fell asleep after watching 14 straight hours of the Bachelor the other night and had a haunting premonition. It was what will happen 30 years from now if Cheryl reunites with the A-Chole.

Picture the scene: a working man’s club in South Shields where beaded curtains are the height of sophistication and a long vodka is the most exotic drink on the menu. Their relationship had gained as many years as she had inches and they were celebrating renewing their vows, with an 8-page spread in Love It! magazine. She was singing ‘It’s all coming back to me now’, her voice ravaged by age and 30-a-day Mayfair since their initial split. He was out the back,  post-Chelsea pot-belly exposed as his Newcastle Brown Ale stained-shirt was being unbuttoned by Sarah from Girls Aloud, who had ended up one of those old, tanned women that look like a Birkin Handbag with a face, and whose love of peroxide is only rivaled by their love of gold.

HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. The man thinks fidelity has just been signed by Tottenham. He thinks monogamy is what he had to take those antibiotics for after Faliraki. He thinks committment is the Calvin Klein fragrance he dowses himself in after a night of fingering up China Whites.

Chezza, at least Simon Cowell had the good grace to replace you with someone of equal beauty, instead of whoever happens to be in slevvering distance.

Cheryl Tweedy (convicted Geordie turned nation’s sweetheart) recently admitted to being ‘a little bit skanky’. So with baited breath I read on- what would be revealed? She bit her own toenails for the taste? She liked to fart in bed and dive under the covers? She’s on an eco trip and only flushes her toilet once a week? No. She… shock… sometimes wears the same pyjamas she woke up in ‘for like six hours’.

Has she never seen Jeremy Kyle? Does she not know the multi-potential-sperminators/daughters-stealing-mothers-neanderthal-boyfriends mess this county is in? Has she never been a student/unemployed/had a Tuesday off?

Is this some kind of weird ploy to get Ashley back? He is all over skanks like Lohan on a note and a mirror. Like Katona on doner and sauce. Like Britney on a Marlboro and a wee cry. You get the picture. Man up Tweedy, closest to skanky you’ve ever been is washing Ashley’s grannie panties.

“Cheryl Cole is separating from her husband Ashley Cole. Cheryl asks the media to respect her privacy during this difficult time. We have no further comment to make.”

This was the statement issued earlier that confirmed that Assley Cole is now out on his ass. Now all that is left is for Cheryl to take as much as possible of his £120k a week fortune; the house, cars and dogs (he’s already had his dogs); the friends; the public support; hell even his baggy white sexting grannie panties if she wants ’em.

We all need a decent rebound ‘cuddle’ and American dancer Derek Hough was spotted leaving her LA hotel at 4am yesterday morning. Heres hoping it was because he was demonstrating his flexibility and not having an all-us-girls-together rant about men being suuuuch pigs.

Now if only she had asked my opinion when getting ‘Mrs C’ tattooed on the back of her neck. I would have said ‘Chez, no way doll. Not only is that a skanktastic place to get a tattoo but no man is worth being branded for (apart from Russell naturally).

She might want to rethink the lyrics of say…. ALL of her album.

Between John and Ashley’s poor ball control, Tiger’s mishandling of his putter and Vernon’s sexting we can only wonder what has happened to fidelity in the modern age?

If vampires and prescription drugs were so hot in 2009, does this mean that adultery is 2010’s biggest trend so far? Well, in the only occasion I think this has ever happened, Kerry Katona set the trend years ago. Her taxi driving, NON-drug dealing, husband reportedly has been giving free rides all over Warrington for years.

Poor, poor Cheryl Tweedy (lets all just pretend the A- Hole, I mean A-Cole situation never happened and get the Tweedy back). She has taught us a valuable lesson. No matter how pretty, rich, SKINNY or kind you are you will probably still get cheated on. AND everyone will see your husband’s heinous granny panties that he took pictures of to try and turn someone on. WTF.

Are we being too harsh on celebrity men? Maybe they are just acting the only the way they know how to. Like assholes. Times like this we are reminded that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Why don’t we send them all back there. With only half a tank of petrol.