Celebritards

It was only AFTER writing that headline that I realised that the figure in question is not infact Madame Tussauds’ latest inhabitant, but the rocket man himself.

Oh dear Elton, what have you done? Well, that’s a pretty obvious one, you’ve allowed Sharon Osbourne to give you her plastic surgeon’s phone number. Such a fitting title for a doctor that looks like he literally incases his patient’s faces in plastic.

However, let us be positive (as they were promoting the Elton John AIDS Foundation). Nobody can deny the health benefits of looking like you’ve melted a Chinese takeaway container onto your coupon. Neither of them will ever be able to take up smoking or use sunbeds, as there is a high chance they would start dripping onto their Louboutins.

DID MICHAEL JACKSON TEACH US NOTHING? Nobody over the age of 45 should ever aspire to be Barbie or Action Man. It will end in tears. Or severe facial swelling because polypropylene blocks tear ducts.

In the news this week: the world waited with baited breath as Victoria Beckham entered the world of Twitter. I can safely say that if I was married to David Beckham I would have no time for social networking. Or sleeping. Or anything really. I would just stare at his beautiful face and get him to alternate between smiley-Becks and smouldery-Becks, as both faces have the same effect on the planet’s girls and gays: pure, unadulterated animal lust and longing.

So, back to her tweeting. She finishes them with ‘in love and light’, which, I’m afraid to say coming from a girl born in Essex, is the most LA-sounding-crock-of-shit I’ve heard this side of The Bachellor ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’ special. Although judging from this picture, she seems to be tweeting the main components of her diet. Go on Vikki B, when was the last time you got all tanked up on Merrydown, danced around Yates Wine Lodge drinking WKDs and ended the night with a King Rib supper, 2 pickles and a glass bottle of Irn Bru for the morning? Treat yourself…

Courtesy of Rolling Stone

After the ever-normal Lady Gaga dropped the massive video for Alejandro (y’know- the 8 minute slutty-Nun extravaganza?) who else but Katy Perry, noted religious activist, took to Twitter with a thinly-veiled dig at her more successful/credible rival: ‘Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke’.

So how mad must she have been when fiance Russell Brand went on Nick Cannon’s (aka Mariah’s pet/handbag carrier/facilitator) radio show to discuss her flatulence? (‘the pop hits that she fires out of her mouth are nothing compared to what comes out the other end of her’. Lovely Russ, just lovely) Cue first little nugget of hypocrisy.

Second hypocrisy-copter comes straight from the horse’s mouth. In this month’s Rolling Stone (where she graces the cover in her undies), she sticks her spirit stick straight into the issue again: ‘I think when you put sex and spirituality in the same bottle and shake it up, bad things happen’.

Pictured above is one of the shots from that feature. Em…Katy….I like your necklace. Who’s it by?….Haus of Jesus? Did she not realise that in the same spread she critisised Lady Gaga for her crucafix antics she was going to all done up like a dog’s dinner sandwiching the very item she took issue with in between her admittedly-pretty impressive mammaries? Is she really that dense? Where in the Bible does it say ‘and on the seventh day thou shalt kiss a girl, and thou shalt like it’? Oh. wait…. nowhere.

I didn’t even have time to post that Lindsay Lohan had gone to jail before she was softly handed over to the men in white coats. Her 90 day sentence, of which she served 14, is now the only thing in her timeline shorter than her stint as a lesbian.

She’s now in a rehab and psychiatric facility, and hopefully not the normal celebrity ones where you are taught to blame your mother/father/upbringing/ religion/assistant/dealer/Krispy ┬áKreme/Sesame Street and anyone else you can think of so you don’t have to admit you have been…well a little bit naughty.

I think as far as comebacks go she really needs to find her marbles and hold on to those babies for dear life, I mean prescription drugs are a little bit 2009 non? 2010 is the year of malaria darling, now Cheryl’s done it I hear designer mosquito bites are THE only accessory for the summer.

So the whole Mel Gibson thing is pretty horrific. A ranting, profanity-happy, racist drunk. Earth to Mel- Braveheart was fifteen years ago sweetie, you can’t call it Scots method acting.

I made the mistake of listening to the now-famous tapes released by his baby-mama Oksana Grigorieva in the middle of the night, home alone. Now I have an irrational fear of 90s global megastars. I burst into tears when I see Nicolas Cage, and don’t even get me started on Bruce Willis. I can’t even go in a lift with a man in a white tank top.

So, if you have been in boot camp with Kerry Katona and haven’t had internet access, a safe route into the horrible ravings of a complete mad-man can be observed on Buzzfeed, using photos of kittens accompanying some of the more salacious gems:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/the-13-worst-mel-gibson-rant-quotes-presented-by

SO, I have always admired Perez Hilton. He has made a career, books, celebrity friends, and probable fortune, out of what I sit and do for free with only cats for company. There are many celebrities who hate him. He claims to fact check his stories but sometimes it all seems a bit suspect – take for example his claims yesterday that Khloe Kardashian splashed her Lakers husband’s cash buying him a new car. She tweets in reply ‘People r so pathetic! Y would I give some1 a gift w/ their money? That’s lame. I actually make my own money. Shocking I know. Stop hating!’. So, my pretties, who to believe??

Anyway I digress. My point here is he is always fastest and furious…est (sp?) with the news, views, gossip and any old rhubarb. So why so quiet over the story that a tipsy Lady Gaga was asked to leave the NY Yankees stadium at the weekend? Apparently she was swaggling about drinking whisky in a half-buttoned up baseball shirt talking all kinds of nonsense. Now the whisky/nonsense part may or may not be true, but these pics confirm the bits and pieces were out. I want to remain healthily suspicious. This is the man who calls her ‘Lady GODga’, ‘wifey’, and many other rank pet names, and openly professes to pretty much ejaculating everytime she says/sings anything. I hope this means he would still publish stories which show her in a bad light? I’m not the only one to have been slightly perturbed by his sycophantic arse-kissing.

p.s. I reserve my right to become famous and never say anything bad about Russell Brand, my future husband.

I guess most people probably would need a few drinks if they lost their first love to a certain pint-sized Scientologist with a penchant for jumping on Ikea’s finest.

Chris Klein of American Pie fame (?) has entered rehab after his rep admitted he had an alcohol problem. The smiley-star has clocked up two drink-driving charges in six years – which I have to admit is pretty tame by the high standards for debauchery in H’wood. If he had been caught drink-driving while snorting a line of oxycontin off Lindsay Lohan’s belly while shouting anti-semitic comments then we could maybe get our shock on.

Come on Chris, go really tits- swing round Casa Cruise and jump all over their furnishings, burn all the stacked loafers, piss on the Scientology books. Just leave Suri’s wardrobe be!