Celebritards

Archive for the ‘rant’ Category

Cheryl, wherever you are: holed up in an LA mansion, underneath the Tyne Bridge, or that celebrity blackhole where Katie Price’s dignity, John Travolta’s boyfriends and Natalie Portman’s baby weight have all disappeared to, please read this cautionary tale.

I fell asleep after watching 14 straight hours of the Bachelor the other night and had a haunting premonition. It was what will happen 30 years from now if Cheryl reunites with the A-Chole.

Picture the scene: a working man’s club in South Shields where beaded curtains are the height of sophistication and a long vodka is the most exotic drink on the menu. Their relationship had gained as many years as she had inches and they were celebrating renewing their vows, with an 8-page spread in Love It! magazine. She was singing ‘It’s all coming back to me now’, her voice ravaged by age and 30-a-day Mayfair since their initial split. He was out the back,  post-Chelsea pot-belly exposed as his Newcastle Brown Ale stained-shirt was being unbuttoned by Sarah from Girls Aloud, who had ended up one of those old, tanned women that look like a Birkin Handbag with a face, and whose love of peroxide is only rivaled by their love of gold.

HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. The man thinks fidelity has just been signed by Tottenham. He thinks monogamy is what he had to take those antibiotics for after Faliraki. He thinks committment is the Calvin Klein fragrance he dowses himself in after a night of fingering up China Whites.

Chezza, at least Simon Cowell had the good grace to replace you with someone of equal beauty, instead of whoever happens to be in slevvering distance.

Courtesy of Rolling Stone

After the ever-normal Lady Gaga dropped the massive video for Alejandro (y’know- the 8 minute slutty-Nun extravaganza?) who else but Katy Perry, noted religious activist, took to Twitter with a thinly-veiled dig at her more successful/credible rival: ‘Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke’.

So how mad must she have been when fiance Russell Brand went on Nick Cannon’s (aka Mariah’s pet/handbag carrier/facilitator) radio show to discuss her flatulence? (‘the pop hits that she fires out of her mouth are nothing compared to what comes out the other end of her’. Lovely Russ, just lovely) Cue first little nugget of hypocrisy.

Second hypocrisy-copter comes straight from the horse’s mouth. In this month’s Rolling Stone (where she graces the cover in her undies), she sticks her spirit stick straight into the issue again: ‘I think when you put sex and spirituality in the same bottle and shake it up, bad things happen’.

Pictured above is one of the shots from that feature. Em…Katy….I like your necklace. Who’s it by?….Haus of Jesus? Did she not realise that in the same spread she critisised Lady Gaga for her crucafix antics she was going to all done up like a dog’s dinner sandwiching the very item she took issue with in between her admittedly-pretty impressive mammaries? Is she really that dense? Where in the Bible does it say ‘and on the seventh day thou shalt kiss a girl, and thou shalt like it’? Oh. wait…. nowhere.

SO, I have always admired Perez Hilton. He has made a career, books, celebrity friends, and probable fortune, out of what I sit and do for free with only cats for company. There are many celebrities who hate him. He claims to fact check his stories but sometimes it all seems a bit suspect – take for example his claims yesterday that Khloe Kardashian splashed her Lakers husband’s cash buying him a new car. She tweets in reply ‘People r so pathetic! Y would I give some1 a gift w/ their money? That’s lame. I actually make my own money. Shocking I know. Stop hating!’. So, my pretties, who to believe??

Anyway I digress. My point here is he is always fastest and furious…est (sp?) with the news, views, gossip and any old rhubarb. So why so quiet over the story that a tipsy Lady Gaga was asked to leave the NY Yankees stadium at the weekend? Apparently she was swaggling about drinking whisky in a half-buttoned up baseball shirt talking all kinds of nonsense. Now the whisky/nonsense part may or may not be true, but these pics confirm the bits and pieces were out. I want to remain healthily suspicious. This is the man who calls her ‘Lady GODga’, ‘wifey’, and many other rank pet names, and openly professes to pretty much ejaculating everytime she says/sings anything. I hope this means he would still publish stories which show her in a bad light? I’m not the only one to have been slightly perturbed by his sycophantic arse-kissing.

p.s. I reserve my right to become famous and never say anything bad about Russell Brand, my future husband.

By now we are all used to celebrities complaining bitterly about how terrible their lives are. ‘Oh it is simply horrific, I show up late, pout a bit, bully people and go home, all for a seven figure sum’. If they tried working one day as a nurse, wiping someone’s arse, or having a drunk person spit at them then they would probably dive into a big NON-Lohan pile of prescription drugs.

So imagine, the shock, that turned to horror, that shifted to disgust and eventually rested on blind-white-knuckle-rage when that RIOT Kristen Stewart dared to liken viewing her paparazzi pictures TO SOMEONE BEING RAPED.

She said: ‘The photos are so… I feel like I am looking at someone being raped. A lot of the time I can’t handle it. It’s fucked, I never expected that this would be my life’.

What? She never expected someone would pay her millions upon millions of pounds to creep around movies sets with her creepy, vacuous, wide-eyed stare? She never expected she would be one of the very few people who get to live their dreams when she was a little boy fantasising of being in movies? Is she an idiot? You want to act, acting equals fame, fame equals you can’t pick and choose when you want the public’s attention.

I HATE looking at pictures of myself. Makes me feel all nautious. But if she seriously can confuse that with being raped then she should try visiting a rape crisis centre and talking to some of the poor women, and then she should saw the lower half of her face off with a rusty saw for being such a heartless, delusional, self-pitying horror of a human being

What is Alexa Chung doing in America? I think she’s been sexy dancing with Nadine Coyle at one point on account of those forrest fires in California, but apart from that she’s been making her own show ‘It’s on with Alexa Chung’.

It was recently dropped but shortly before that she was whining with that mahussive gob of hers that American celebrities didn’t get her sense of humour. She’s probably right. They were sitting there reminising about eagles and Mountain Dew and would occasionally glance over and think ‘I have no clue what this teenage boy is saying? I sure hope his gran is ok with him stealing all her clothes’.

In a move that would have me leaping over her stripper pole to scratch that nasty-ass tattoo off her face, Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee (although I’m more inclined to call her Bombscare) has said SORRY to Sandra Bullock.

‘I want to give her a heartfelt apology. I feel like I was lied to just as much as she was. If Jesse was upfront with me in the beginning, we wouldn’t be in this situation’

The fact that Sandra is IN HIDING – when she should be basking in her post-Oscar bliss – while you sell your soul to 60 Minutes for a fraction of what a OSCAR-WINNING star could command means that you should be more than sorry. You should go crawl back under whatever rock you emerged from and leave husbands alone.

Although the men are the main problem, these moral-less, facilitating skanks are responsible too. Sort of like the men are the cavity, the skanks are the sugar- it’s just a shame for the teeth…

The Geldof household must have all the vim and vigour of a Boomtown Rats reunion gig this week after Peaches’ nekkid pictures have been passed around quicker than her last joint. The sloppily-captured pics showed just how talented the photoshoppers at Ultimo lingerie really are because that advertising campaign look as much like the real Peaches as Tiger Woods does. One thing I do know is she was NOT taking heroin that night. And why do I know this? Because Eli Roth (her Mr Right-now) took to his Myspace blog to defend her.

WTF! You are the hugely famous Eli Roth- screenwriter and movie star! (although Peaches’ ‘squint and gurn for the camera’ efforts look like something out 28 Days Later so I guess that’s what gets him off). You are not her latest skinny jeans wearing/guyliner loving/premature ejaculating indie boy, get a grip! In an open letter to the mother of boy who sold the pictures, he airs all their dirty laundry, calls her a bad mother and generally slams the whole situation.

Peaches- you are NOT helping the ‘daddy issues’ argument by getting your much-older boyfriend (his 37 to her 21) to tell on one of your snap-happy one night stands TO HIS MOTHER.

What’s that? You want to see the pictures? WARNING- these pics may cause body confidence (I certainly felt pretty damn good after viewing them).

Peaches Nekkid Pics!!