Celebritards

Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Well we had the world’s first pregnant man, so it was only a matter of time before we had the world’s first impregnating woman… it’s just been revealed everyone’s favourite lesbian JustinE Bieber is the subject of a lawsuit where a 20 year-old woman is claiming he fathered her 3 month-old baby.

Now if the thought of that little squirt procreating doesn’t have you reaching for your office bin to be sick, her account of their ‘brief’ encounter will help you on your way to parting with your lunch.

‘Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.

‘I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.

He then told her he wanted to ‘fuck the shit’ out her. Which sounds like a verbal copy and paste from creepy pornos favoured by sleazy teenage boys with crusty spots and even crustier socks (sounds about right, he just has the money to bin the sock after use and a good dermatologist).  He also refused to wear a condom, which is how you know if someone really loves you. Especially if you’ve just met them, that means it’s love at first sight!

Possibly the worst part of this sordid episode is the fact that last October, when the alleged incident took place, J-Biebz was only 16, which in the state of California makes him underage, and as the woman was 19, she would be guilty of statutory rape. Imagine being the woman in jail for raping Justin Bieber? In saying that, they don’t tend to have many 9-13 year-olds in jail, so it’s unlikely anyone would give a french fancy.

OH, and you think I was trying to be funny when I said ‘brief’ encounter? Her sworn statement (like the one she is willing to go to jail for if she’s lying) said the whole caboodle lasted 30 seconds. Which sounds fair, I think I would only last around 30 seconds with Justin Bieber panting and sobbing like a little girl before I called it quits.

Justin had this to say this morning on twitter: ‘all the rumors…the gossip….Im gonna focus on the positives….the music.”

A pop star with a penchant for unsafe sex with promiscuous psychopaths? I say give it 6-8 weeks and he may have another positive to focus on.

Cheryl, wherever you are: holed up in an LA mansion, underneath the Tyne Bridge, or that celebrity blackhole where Katie Price’s dignity, John Travolta’s boyfriends and Natalie Portman’s baby weight have all disappeared to, please read this cautionary tale.

I fell asleep after watching 14 straight hours of the Bachelor the other night and had a haunting premonition. It was what will happen 30 years from now if Cheryl reunites with the A-Chole.

Picture the scene: a working man’s club in South Shields where beaded curtains are the height of sophistication and a long vodka is the most exotic drink on the menu. Their relationship had gained as many years as she had inches and they were celebrating renewing their vows, with an 8-page spread in Love It! magazine. She was singing ‘It’s all coming back to me now’, her voice ravaged by age and 30-a-day Mayfair since their initial split. He was out the back,  post-Chelsea pot-belly exposed as his Newcastle Brown Ale stained-shirt was being unbuttoned by Sarah from Girls Aloud, who had ended up one of those old, tanned women that look like a Birkin Handbag with a face, and whose love of peroxide is only rivaled by their love of gold.

HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. The man thinks fidelity has just been signed by Tottenham. He thinks monogamy is what he had to take those antibiotics for after Faliraki. He thinks committment is the Calvin Klein fragrance he dowses himself in after a night of fingering up China Whites.

Chezza, at least Simon Cowell had the good grace to replace you with someone of equal beauty, instead of whoever happens to be in slevvering distance.

Courtesy of Mr Paparazzi

Sooo David Beckham is pleased to announce that he’s still the hottest thing to be around babies since Kerry Katona dropped one of her cigs into a pram. Despite a very suspect name choice (Harper Seven? Sounds like a planet in a post-apocolyptic sci-fi series from the Nineties where women have three boobs and nothing interesting to say) most women would still rip off their baby toes with rusty hanger to be near, let alone procreate with him

Everyone is speculating on how long it will take Victoria to get her figure back. Me? I’m not fussed. I don’t think it will be hard when a good scran consists of three Quavers and one of Karl Lagerfield’s used tissues. And she must burn so many calories throwing all those darts at pictures of Mel B (‘Damn you, you common pillock for moving to LA and reminding everyone that behind the sunglasses and spring/summer 11 collection I was once in a cheesy pop band and thought the peace sign and a crochet dress was the height of sophistication’). She won’t be missing all the throwing up in the morning, although now she’s got her trademark circus-stilts platforms back on she will go straight back to regular bouts of altitude sickness, as well as having to duck planes and try to not let the clouds mess with her extensions.

The coming weeks will see their celeb pals popping round with their baby gifts: Snoop Dogg with ‘Baby’s First Bunt’, Eva Longoria with a teeny-tiny sombrero and Tom Cruise swinging by with a nice set of reins (with Katie swearing by them for trips to Tesco because Tom always wants to run away to the toy department).

But, joking aside, I’m genuinely happy for them finally getting the girl they must have been longing for. Victoria now has someone to pass on her vast collection of designer clothes to, and once she turns three and no longer fits in to them then they can be preserved for future generations.

I didn’t even have time to post that Lindsay Lohan had gone to jail before she was softly handed over to the men in white coats. Her 90 day sentence, of which she served 14, is now the only thing in her timeline shorter than her stint as a lesbian.

She’s now in a rehab and psychiatric facility, and hopefully not the normal celebrity ones where you are taught to blame your mother/father/upbringing/ religion/assistant/dealer/Krispy  Kreme/Sesame Street and anyone else you can think of so you don’t have to admit you have been…well a little bit naughty.

I think as far as comebacks go she really needs to find her marbles and hold on to those babies for dear life, I mean prescription drugs are a little bit 2009 non? 2010 is the year of malaria darling, now Cheryl’s done it I hear designer mosquito bites are THE only accessory for the summer.

SO, I have always admired Perez Hilton. He has made a career, books, celebrity friends, and probable fortune, out of what I sit and do for free with only cats for company. There are many celebrities who hate him. He claims to fact check his stories but sometimes it all seems a bit suspect – take for example his claims yesterday that Khloe Kardashian splashed her Lakers husband’s cash buying him a new car. She tweets in reply ‘People r so pathetic! Y would I give some1 a gift w/ their money? That’s lame. I actually make my own money. Shocking I know. Stop hating!’. So, my pretties, who to believe??

Anyway I digress. My point here is he is always fastest and furious…est (sp?) with the news, views, gossip and any old rhubarb. So why so quiet over the story that a tipsy Lady Gaga was asked to leave the NY Yankees stadium at the weekend? Apparently she was swaggling about drinking whisky in a half-buttoned up baseball shirt talking all kinds of nonsense. Now the whisky/nonsense part may or may not be true, but these pics confirm the bits and pieces were out. I want to remain healthily suspicious. This is the man who calls her ‘Lady GODga’, ‘wifey’, and many other rank pet names, and openly professes to pretty much ejaculating everytime she says/sings anything. I hope this means he would still publish stories which show her in a bad light? I’m not the only one to have been slightly perturbed by his sycophantic arse-kissing.

p.s. I reserve my right to become famous and never say anything bad about Russell Brand, my future husband.

First of all, sorry for the brief hiatus.  I went all B. Spears for the exam period: lots of slack-crotched sweatpants, fried chicken, occasional breakdowns and plenty bad hair days.

Back to business then. Simon Cowell is getting a knighthood. Scowl Cowell was recommended by Gordon Brown just before he departed for pastures new (in between shitting behind skirting boards and sewing calamari and langoustine into the curtains at No.10).

So Mama Cowell will be dusting off her Primark 2-piece and heading up the Palace to watch lito Simon get rewarded for all the good he has done for our country. Like Michelle McManus. Chico. Jedward. And being Paula Abdul’s enabler for best part of a decade.

Hey Simon- what’s that joke you can’t tell closeted gay people? Oh, you don’t know? Exactly.

Aww. After looking pregnant for a decade, someone has finally sperminated Natalie Cassidy. I feel mean even writing that, as I look up from my baguette and crisps. But still, I don’t try and cling to dwindling fame like Mark Owen to a drink.

Turns out her and her baby-daddy met at a festival. Seriously? Most people come back from a festival with a sore head and half their body weight in dirt, let alone someone you want to go halfers on a baby with. Still once she’s squeezed her spawn out she can squeeze out another exercise vid/spread in diet-obsessed magazines. Everyone’s happy.