Celebritards

Archive for the ‘Mamma Drama’ Category

Well we had the world’s first pregnant man, so it was only a matter of time before we had the world’s first impregnating woman… it’s just been revealed everyone’s favourite lesbian JustinE Bieber is the subject of a lawsuit where a 20 year-old woman is claiming he fathered her 3 month-old baby.

Now if the thought of that little squirt procreating doesn’t have you reaching for your office bin to be sick, her account of their ‘brief’ encounter will help you on your way to parting with your lunch.

‘Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.

‘I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.

He then told her he wanted to ‘fuck the shit’ out her. Which sounds like a verbal copy and paste from creepy pornos favoured by sleazy teenage boys with crusty spots and even crustier socks (sounds about right, he just has the money to bin the sock after use and a good dermatologist).  He also refused to wear a condom, which is how you know if someone really loves you. Especially if you’ve just met them, that means it’s love at first sight!

Possibly the worst part of this sordid episode is the fact that last October, when the alleged incident took place, J-Biebz was only 16, which in the state of California makes him underage, and as the woman was 19, she would be guilty of statutory rape. Imagine being the woman in jail for raping Justin Bieber? In saying that, they don’t tend to have many 9-13 year-olds in jail, so it’s unlikely anyone would give a french fancy.

OH, and you think I was trying to be funny when I said ‘brief’ encounter? Her sworn statement (like the one she is willing to go to jail for if she’s lying) said the whole caboodle lasted 30 seconds. Which sounds fair, I think I would only last around 30 seconds with Justin Bieber panting and sobbing like a little girl before I called it quits.

Justin had this to say this morning on twitter: ‘all the rumors…the gossip….Im gonna focus on the positives….the music.”

A pop star with a penchant for unsafe sex with promiscuous psychopaths? I say give it 6-8 weeks and he may have another positive to focus on.

Courtesy of Mr Paparazzi

Sooo David Beckham is pleased to announce that he’s still the hottest thing to be around babies since Kerry Katona dropped one of her cigs into a pram. Despite a very suspect name choice (Harper Seven? Sounds like a planet in a post-apocolyptic sci-fi series from the Nineties where women have three boobs and nothing interesting to say) most women would still rip off their baby toes with rusty hanger to be near, let alone procreate with him

Everyone is speculating on how long it will take Victoria to get her figure back. Me? I’m not fussed. I don’t think it will be hard when a good scran consists of three Quavers and one of Karl Lagerfield’s used tissues. And she must burn so many calories throwing all those darts at pictures of Mel B (‘Damn you, you common pillock for moving to LA and reminding everyone that behind the sunglasses and spring/summer 11 collection I was once in a cheesy pop band and thought the peace sign and a crochet dress was the height of sophistication’). She won’t be missing all the throwing up in the morning, although now she’s got her trademark circus-stilts platforms back on she will go straight back to regular bouts of altitude sickness, as well as having to duck planes and try to not let the clouds mess with her extensions.

The coming weeks will see their celeb pals popping round with their baby gifts: Snoop Dogg with ‘Baby’s First Bunt’, Eva Longoria with a teeny-tiny sombrero and Tom Cruise swinging by with a nice set of reins (with Katie swearing by them for trips to Tesco because Tom always wants to run away to the toy department).

But, joking aside, I’m genuinely happy for them finally getting the girl they must have been longing for. Victoria now has someone to pass on her vast collection of designer clothes to, and once she turns three and no longer fits in to them then they can be preserved for future generations.

Aww. After looking pregnant for a decade, someone has finally sperminated Natalie Cassidy. I feel mean even writing that, as I look up from my baguette and crisps. But still, I don’t try and cling to dwindling fame like Mark Owen to a drink.

Turns out her and her baby-daddy met at a festival. Seriously? Most people come back from a festival with a sore head and half their body weight in dirt, let alone someone you want to go halfers on a baby with. Still once she’s squeezed her spawn out she can squeeze out another exercise vid/spread in diet-obsessed magazines. Everyone’s happy.

We’re all familiar with urban legends, but what about if one actually came true? No, not the deep fried mouse in KFC, but the casting couch. There have always been rumours that some actors and actresses are willing to do WHATEVER it takes to secure a part.

So thats why women of a certain age everywhere wanted to give a high AND low five to Sam Taylor-Wood. She managed to secure a hot 19-year old piece of boycandy to keep her 42-year old bones warm in the cold winter months. But even now as we leave winter they are still together. Why? They are having  baby. HE IS A BABY!

How many conversations will begin ‘Do you remember?…..’ and fizzle out because he was too young or her memory aint what it used to be. There is something MAJORLY wrong with having a baby with someone and you being closer in age to that baby than your other half.

Madonna, don’t get any wise ideas, just you keep your legs shut missy.