Celebritards

Archive for the ‘Hot Mess’ Category

Feather earrings. Abundance of necklaces. Dress that was once a staple part of the Adams’ family dining room set? Hair that looks ‘crispy’ to the touch?

Ke$ha right? WRONG!

It’s a Disney child star more famous for infuriating America’s parents with her transition to raunchy popstar. She can often be seen out and about in LA in white tank top and denim hotpants because deep at heart, she is still a good ol’ Southern gal.

Oh it’s Britney? WRONG AGAIN.

Miley Cyrus, it’s ok that you want to be a big girl. Just stop trying to be other big girls.

It was only AFTER writing that headline that I realised that the figure in question is not infact Madame Tussauds’ latest inhabitant, but the rocket man himself.

Oh dear Elton, what have you done? Well, that’s a pretty obvious one, you’ve allowed Sharon Osbourne to give you her plastic surgeon’s phone number. Such a fitting title for a doctor that looks like he literally incases his patient’s faces in plastic.

However, let us be positive (as they were promoting the Elton John AIDS Foundation). Nobody can deny the health benefits of looking like you’ve melted a Chinese takeaway container onto your coupon. Neither of them will ever be able to take up smoking or use sunbeds, as there is a high chance they would start dripping onto their Louboutins.

DID MICHAEL JACKSON TEACH US NOTHING? Nobody over the age of 45 should ever aspire to be Barbie or Action Man. It will end in tears. Or severe facial swelling because polypropylene blocks tear ducts.

In the news this week: the world waited with baited breath as Victoria Beckham entered the world of Twitter. I can safely say that if I was married to David Beckham I would have no time for social networking. Or sleeping. Or anything really. I would just stare at his beautiful face and get him to alternate between smiley-Becks and smouldery-Becks, as both faces have the same effect on the planet’s girls and gays: pure, unadulterated animal lust and longing.

So, back to her tweeting. She finishes them with ‘in love and light’, which, I’m afraid to say coming from a girl born in Essex, is the most LA-sounding-crock-of-shit I’ve heard this side of The Bachellor ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’ special. Although judging from this picture, she seems to be tweeting the main components of her diet. Go on Vikki B, when was the last time you got all tanked up on Merrydown, danced around Yates Wine Lodge drinking WKDs and ended the night with a King Rib supper, 2 pickles and a glass bottle of Irn Bru for the morning? Treat yourself…

I didn’t even have time to post that Lindsay Lohan had gone to jail before she was softly handed over to the men in white coats. Her 90 day sentence, of which she served 14, is now the only thing in her timeline shorter than her stint as a lesbian.

She’s now in a rehab and psychiatric facility, and hopefully not the normal celebrity ones where you are taught to blame your mother/father/upbringing/ religion/assistant/dealer/Krispy ¬†Kreme/Sesame Street and anyone else you can think of so you don’t have to admit you have been…well a little bit naughty.

I think as far as comebacks go she really needs to find her marbles and hold on to those babies for dear life, I mean prescription drugs are a little bit 2009 non? 2010 is the year of malaria darling, now Cheryl’s done it I hear designer mosquito bites are THE only accessory for the summer.

I guess most people probably would need a few drinks if they lost their first love to a certain pint-sized Scientologist with a penchant for jumping on Ikea’s finest.

Chris Klein of American Pie fame (?) has entered rehab after his rep admitted he had an alcohol problem. The smiley-star has clocked up two drink-driving charges in six years – which I have to admit is pretty tame by the high standards for debauchery in H’wood. If he had been caught drink-driving while snorting a line of oxycontin off Lindsay Lohan’s belly while shouting anti-semitic comments then we could maybe get our shock on.

Come on Chris, go really tits- swing round Casa Cruise and jump all over their furnishings, burn all the stacked loafers, piss on the Scientology books. Just leave Suri’s wardrobe be!

The beautiful and damned Jonathan Rhys Meyers has been banned from flying with United Airlines in the US, after one too many 7am vodka/cokes on a flight to LA.

This is the THIRD incident of a drunken-departure-lounge flavour in as many years for the actor (yeah, I guess he is one of those once, twice, three times an arsehole types).

Allegedly (see, law revision was so worth it; no lawsuits for me!), he also dropped what our transatlantic cousins call the N-Bomb during¬† the tantrum when he was told he wouldn’t be taking to the skies.The rehabalicious star clearly attended the Naomi Campbell School of Aviation Relations.

I mean, with Colin Farrell doing Mermaid films and firmly strapped into the wagon there isn’t really much competition? He could have just had a pina colada and told staff they were ‘big smelly losers’ and still have retained the Irish Bad Boy title.

Fix up, look sharp J.R.M.

Did Sinead O’Connor and someone from Alice in Chains have a illegitimate love child? Agyness Deyn clearly took the phrase ‘you’re so gorgeous you could carry ANY look off’ and decided to see just how far she could push it. Like she lay awake at night and thought ‘what’s the extreme for this? shave me ‘ead and dress like a lad from t’90s? That’ll ding dang do’ (she’s from Yorkshire you see).

Surely she should have started on the hormones first before she started the transition? Without the stubble and chest hair it just looks weird. In her defence, she certainly stands out. Especially when all the girls around her here look like they came to the party dressed as the Hamburglar.